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Back to Question of the Week Q: Hi Rabbi, Are there any guidelines in Judaism for mourning non-Jews? - Shenu |
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A: Dear Shenu: By "mourning non-Jew" you could be referring to two very different situations, so let me address each separately. The first situation might be a non-Jew who is a dear friend or colleague, whereas the second situation is a non-Jew who is part of your immediate family, and who might therefore be mourned in the traditional Jewish pattern of grieving for family members (shivah, kaddish, and so on.) In the first case, a dear friend who has passed, traditional Judaism does not mandate any particular ritual, but certainly does not forbid formal expressions of grief and loss. A very famous example of this from the Talmud is the way Rabbi Yochanan mourned his best friend and study partner Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish: he cried, he refused to come to the house of study, he tore his garments (as an expression of his pain), and all the other rabbis tried to console him. (Talmud Bava Metzia 84a). Personally, I would tend to advise reserving certain mourning rituals for immediate family, but there are certainly many synagogue communities where the custom is to recite the mourner's kaddish for friends as well. One should consult with the rabbi or leadership of any particular synagogue to find out what the local custom is. Other Jewish practices pertaining to mourning which are very appropriate for any situation of loss include: - learning Torah or giving to charity in the memory of the friend or relation. This might include setting up funds to which other people can contribute , or buying books for a library inscribed with your friend's name, arranging for plaques to be set up marking your contributions, and so on. -writing or speaking eulogies which give honor to their memory - visiting your friend's grave and marking it with stones -including your friend in your yizkor, or remembrance, prayers said on major Jewish holidays (the Conservative and Reform liturgies specifically allow for yizkor to be said for friends) This list is meant to be suggestive, not comprehensive- follow your heart and I'm sure you will find the appropriate way to mark a loss in your life. Regarding our second case, where an immediate family member is not Jewish, things get a little more complex. For example, perhaps someone converted to Judaism, and their parents and siblings are not Jewish. Generally, one observes the seven-day mourning period and recites kaddish for parents, children, siblings, and spouses, but it might be awkward to do so if the rest of the family is not supportive or able to participate. While both the Conservative and Reform movements allow or even encourage Jews to mourn for the non-Jewish members of their family in the traditional manner, practically speaking, to my knowledge, people do the best they can. For example, some people observe a few days of "sitting shivah" with their Jewish community after the funeral, while others have a Jewish memorial service separate from a non-Jewish funeral. In any of the above cases, there is nothing wrong, and many things right, about paying honour to the memory of a righteous person who has done good things for the world. For further study, here is a good page of links on the Internet pertaining to Jewish mourning customs. Many Reform rabbinic responsa can be found at www.ccarnet.org, including one on mourning a non-Jewish spouse. NJL |
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