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Back to Question of the Week Q: What is the Jewish teaching on the death of a child? How can I speak to a friend whose child has been diagnosed with a rare and fatal illness, and do it from a frame of reference that will be of comfort to him? I want to comfort him with his religion, not Christianity. Can you offer some guidance? Many thanks, Rick |
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A: Dear Rick: First, let me commend you and thank you for being both emotionally supportive and religiously sensitive to your friend. Friends like you are a rare and precious gift. I wish I had words that would be adequate to bring comfort to your friend in this most horrible, terrible situation. Words fail me, as they would fail anybody, faced with a tragedy like the fatal illness of a child. We want to ask "why? Why, God, why?"- and yet there is no satisfactory answer to "why?" I cannot believe that illness is the punishment for sin, nor do I believe that God metes out suffering as a means of spiritual purification. (See our Reb on the Web archives on the question of suffering for more on these theologies.) So we pray, not for miracles which defy the laws of biology (that's called a "vain prayer," and sets one up for a crisis of faith when they don't work out) but for spiritual strength, for wisdom and acceptance and for the best possible outcome under the circumstances. We might pray to feel God's presence in an otherwise terrible lonely time; we might pray that all those who are giving care to the child are guided by compassion and wise counsel. As friends and extended family, we might pray for insight, patience and strength to be as present and supportive of the immediate family as we possibly can be. These answers are not mine; I have learned them from such prominent theologians as R. Mordecai Kaplan and Harold Kushner. R. Kaplan was once asked why God created polio; his answer was that God did not create a deadly disease merely to torment us, but that this disease evolved in the world just as we did. God did give us the capacity to care, to reconcile, and to heal, and it is through the hands of human beings that God acts in the world. Let me make a few other suggestions: you might peruse the book of Psalms, which is revered by both Christians and Jews, for phrases and images that your friends might find validating and comforting. Validation is actually a crucial part of supporting the suffering- if they feel angry at God, or lonely, or feel that God has deserted them, don't disagree, but simply affirm that you understand how they could feel that way. (Better yet, give them a hug, too.) The Psalms are full of similar feelings; this is why they have been so important to so many people in times of crisis. Most importantly, just be there for your friends, however they need it- maybe taking the other kids out for a while, maybe bringing over a casserole, maybe just sitting in silence together, letting them feel that you have not abandoned them. All of these things hold true for all stages of a terminal illness- they will need you as much, if not more, in grieving as in caretaking. There are support groups for bereaved parents called the Compassionate Friends- getting in touch with them at the appropriate time could be extremely important. I wish had the magic formula that brought comfort to the suffering, but none of us do- we simply try as best we can to relate to others in the most compassionate way possible. We do not understand why the world works this way, but we nevertheless reach out to one another, often saying little, and listening more. NJL |
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