Sermons and Divrei Torah
Sarah & Hagar
Ferne Sherkin-Langer
For transgressions against G-d- the Day of Atonement atones; but for transgressions of one human being against another, the Day of Atonement does not atone until they have made peace with one another.
Every year, at this time, we get ourselves ready for the big "prayer fest". As I ponder the past year, and this pondering really starts once the summer is ended, I think about the relationships I have with my family and friends and with G-d. I dust off my best clothes and shoes and the special inward looking conscience that has been dormant since last year at this time. Dancing the same planning dance I do each year. Where will the yontiff lunch be? Did I remember to buy the apples and honey? Does everyone have clean clothes and shoes that fit?
Showering this morning I start to think and think hard. As I sit in my seat I hope that the liturgy, stories, songs and sermons will help take me to a place where I will be able to think about, reflect, repent, and hopefully, ultimately be redeemed.
Every year as I perch on the end of my chair I wait to hear "but for transgressions of one human being against another, the Day of Atonement does not atone until they have made peace with one another". For me, that is the theme of this holiday. Reflecting on our relationships with family and friends ….as the holiday unfolds, as you feel it in your heart and in your soul you hear this chant over again.
I visualize Sarah, our matriarch, sitting next to me, listening to those ancient words and contemplating her relationship with Hagar. Would she be thinking about her actions and wondering how she would go about approaching Hagar? Would she wonder if Hagar would forgive her?
The story of Sarah and Hagar, read at this time each year, has the emotional tugs and pulls of real families. We see ourselves through this story.
Sarai, as she was known in the story in Genesis Chapter 16, and Abram are still childless, despite the fact that G-d had promised Abram that he will "make of him a great nation" and his "seed will be as the dust of the earth and the stars in the heavens."
Being the strong minded matriarch she is, she decides to take the matter into her own hands, and she "delivers her handmaid Hagar to Abram" so Hagar can bear children for them. Nehama Leibovitz quotes The Rambam as saying that Abram listened to Sarai, and she instigated and engineered the whole matter. Sarai, herself, introduces a rival into her home and then tries to overcome her feelings of jealousy and egotism because Hagar conceives immediately.
Sarai abuses Hagar- in the text it is said that she dealt with her harshly – and Hagar runs away.
After an interaction with an "angel", Hagar is convinced to return home and subsequently gives birth to Ishmael.
Eventually Sarah becomes pregnant with Isaac (after the covenant with G-d is sealed) and at Isaac's weaning ceremony Ishmael is found "fooling around". Once again Sarah becomes very angry and tells Abraham to cast Hagar and Ishmael out into the desert "Cast out that slave woman and her son, for the son of that slave shall not share in the inheritance with my son Isaac". Abraham asks G-d for guidance and G-d tells him to listen to his wife. Hagar is sent away with Ishmael into the desert, which in those years would mean certain death..
Just about every possible emotion is experienced in this story. It is reminiscent of a riveting episode of any good soap opera. There is the disappointment of being unable to conceive a child, then having the younger surrogate be immediately successful. Being jealous, and then getting rid of that person so you don't have to be reminded of your failings, and getting rid of the potential birthright owner while you still can. Sarah using her position of power to move people around like pieces on a chess board. And these are just a few examples. To be perfectly frank, I am not comfortable with Sarah's, my mother's, actions.
How do we reconcile them? In this family there are now 2 women who are major players. One has power, the other has none. Sarah had a choice to cast Hagar out, Hagar did not really have a choice to stay. And the whole time we have the two children Isaac and Ishmael watching this conflict, witnessing this struggle for power, and seeing who won. Our children witness our conflicts and see us struggling and in pain. Through their loyalty to us they are drawn into the fray, and they often feel that they must take sides.
By reading this parasha at this time of the year, we are looking at the way families interact. What are the messages we send? How do we as parents and members of the community model behaviour?
As parents, are our actions ones we can be proud of? Like the little manual Life's Little Instruction book, we are responsible for modeling behaviour for our children that we hope they will take forward and incorporate into their lives. The behaviour that Sarah modeled as the female head of the household was one she could not be proud of, and if she were sitting next to you today, I would assume that she would be wondering how she could seek out Hagar to say she was sorry and to ask forgiveness. but for transgressions of one human being against another, the Day of Atonement does not atone until they have made peace with one another.
Hurts in families that are unresolved move from generation to generation, and members of families become strangers. How hard it is to put aside pride and start to say I'm sorry or can we talk…
Worse still are the family members that align themselves with one person or the other to form camps of individuals taking sides. More often than not the original conflict gets lost, but the emotions grow more intense and more destructive.
I must think that Sarah had moments where she was not proud of her actions. Certainly most of us make mistakes and are embarrassed by them, and we don't want daily reminders of them. This is why Sarah forced Hagar to leave. But what if Sarah had resolved her feelings and allowed Hagar to stay? Ishmael and Isaac would have had the joy of being raised as brothers.
I believe that the rabbis understood that the human spirit is capable of people reconciling their feelings and with some work most people are able to start anew. I believe that these High Holy Days are set aside for us to do this work. As I have always said to my children when they become upset about hurting someone's feelings, or in their words "messing up"; That's why G-d gives you another day so you can change what you did and try to do it better.
A good place to start is personal forgiveness. Give yourself a break and remember that in most cases, people want peace in their lives.
At the end of it all, my understanding of this story and its meaning for today is that human relationships require a great deal of restraint and patience, care and love. And it starts with the people closest to us – our family. We should all try to learn this lesson from Sarah and Hagar, and do our best to create shalom bayit - peace in the home.
SHANA TOVA
Sermons and Divrei Torah
Additional Resources
Elul: Period of Preparation
Yamim Noraim: Days of Awe
Rosh Hashanah: Introduction
Shofar Symbolism
The Custom of Tashlich
Yom Kippur: Introduction
G'mar Chatima Tova...
