Sermons and Divrei Torah
Empathy and Jonah
by Denise Lawee Tugg
(Dvar Torah - Yom Kippur 5761)
After one week, the woman goes back to the eye glasses store and
she says to the salesperson. Well it looks like I have to return
these glasses. They are not working at all. My husband has
been wearing them for a whole week and he still isn't seeing things
my way.
If only it were as simple as that---put on a new pair of glasses
and you can empathize with and see the other person's point of
view perfectly. The power of empathy and the compassion and humility
that go along with it are the issues that I want to talk about
with you today. I will use the book of Jonah as the basis for
my discussion.
Most of you are familiar with the story of Jonah and the whale.
For those of you who do not know the story, you can find it in
your prayerbook. The extremely short version of the story goes
something like this: God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh to warn
them of their imminent destruction because they are evil people.
Jonah does not want to do so; instead he flees. After being
caught in a storm at sea, he spends three days in the belly of
a whale. He prays to God to be saved, he is saved and he goes
to Nineveh. He warns them, they believe him and repent and they
are saved.
I always thought that Jonah's attempt to flee God was very odd.
The text tells us that he feared God-so why would he run? According
to many of the commentators, Jonah runs away because he does
not want the Ninevites to be saved because he does not think that
they deserve another chance. As far as Jonah was concerned,
they were bad and they needed to be punished. This black and
white attitude sometimes has its place in our world but we as
mature adults supposedly know more about the gray areas in life.
When you care about someone -a dear friend, a child or a partner-
you want to give them another chance. You don't expect perfection
all the time because you know that isn't possible. Jonah's
challenge from God was to develop enough empathy and compassion
for another people so that he could help God to give them a second
chance.
Like a parent with a child or a devoted teacher with a student,
God wants the Ninevites to learn from their mistakes and internalize
the lessons of justice. My almost six year old son Jeremy is
teamed up at school with a ten year old girl that I will call
Jenny. They are reading partners. He recently told me: "I
know that Jenny's fat but I did not say anything to her about
it. I just thought about it in my brain. Because I knew that
it would make her feel sad if I told her that she was fat." As
a parent, I shepped nachas, knowing that Jeremy was learning the
lesson of empathy. In the story of Jonah, God wanted Jonah to
learn the lesson of empathy. God wanted Jonah to care about the
Ninevites because they too are God's creatures, made in the image
of God.
I recently had the opportunity to meet a woman who I will call
Enid. Enid is from Jamaica and she is a Canadian citizen. She
brought her mother to Canada about ten years ago because her mother
was getting older and Enid wanted to take care of her. After
her arrival to Canada, Enid's mother had a stroke, became paralyzed
and is now quite dependent on others for feeding, bathing and
dressing. Enid's mother has no health care coverage so Enid pays
for everything out of her own pocket. Enid is under stress and
worried because of finances. She feels badly because she leaves
her mother alone in the apartment when she goes to work because
she cannot afford to pay for someone to stay with her mother.
But she tells me that she considers it an honour and an opportunity
to care for her mother since her mother was so good to her and
took such good care of her when she was a girl. Enid is a woman
that knows about empathy and compassion.
Isn't it so that when we make a mistake-lose our temper, jump
to conclusions about someone's bad intentions etc. most of us
are quick to forgive ourselves. We deserve another chance. We
can explain the context that has to be taken into account… why
we are not normally like this etc. etc. But how much harder it
is to give the other person the second chance. How much harder
is it to soften our hearts, give the benefit of the doubt, especially
if we have been hurt by another. It's not a simple challenge by
any means---but it is the challenge of the high holidays.
A while ago, my husband and I had the opportunity to befriend
some Germans around the same age as us. After getting to know
each other pretty well, the delicate subject of the Holocaust
came up. One of the fellows, Franc, told us of how his grandfather
had many Jews who were his friends. As a result, Franc's grandfather's
store was vandalized and he was pressured to publicly denounce
his friends and all Jews. I've thought a lot about that story
over the years. What would I have done? How would I have coped?
I would like to think that I would be one of the noble ones that
risked their lives-hid Jews, smuggle Jews out of the country.
But maybe I would be scared, think of saving my own skin and
not be so heroic. If we can be honest with ourselves, acknowledge
our own imperfections, we can more readily accept those imperfections
in others -and have compassion and forgive. Humility does not
mean thinking of ourselves as worthless or useless. But rather
being honest with ourselves, accepting our limitations. Once
we know and accept our own limitations, we can more readily accept
that others are human too.
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself
only, what am I? And if not now, when?
When Jonah finally does go to Nineveh to warn them, he still does
not want to give the Ninevites another chance. Even after his
own near death experience---he's in the whale for three days--
he still has not learned to have compassion for others. He does
not argue with God or challenge God as did Abraham or Hannah.
He goes to Nineveh because he just wants God to get off his back
and leave him alone. And we can see that his heart in not in
the task at hand. He tells the Ninevites simply that they will
be destroyed period. He does not even hint to them that they
could do teshuvah- repent and be forgiven. The king of Nineveh
thinks about it and on his own initiative suggests to his people
that if they repent, God might save them. They only need one
warning to wake them up spiritually , cause them to become instropective.
The text indicates that even the animals repented. And we know
that their response was genuine, since their tsuvah is accepted
and they are forgiven. Still Jonah's heart and soul is dead.
Even with this remarkable transition in an entire people, Jonah
prefers to continue to hate them and wish that the entire nation
was punished. And what about us? When another person does change
for the better, we mustn't let that change slip by unnoticed.
A dash of humility and we can say to ourselves : you know , maybe
so and so isn't so bad after all . Maybe I misjudged her or him.
I've had the chance to work with some remarkable foster parents
over recent years in my work at children's Aid. Their job is
to care for children for a period of time while the biological
parents are working to strengthen themselves-some learning to
become drug free or leave abusive partners or overcome depression
or other mental illnesses etc. So many times, I've returned children
from foster homes to their natural parents and the foster parents
say good bye to those children with tears in their eyes. They
maintain contact with the natural parent and the children-although
they do not get paid for this ---and they become a part of the
parent's support system. They do this because they care about
the children and they want to do what they can to help. They
don't judge the natural parent . They simply have the empathy
and compassion to know that these parents did not have easy lives
themselves and they focus on helping and not on judging. It is
moving when I know of not just one family who has been able to
open their hearts and their homes to others but of many families
who do it many times.
There is the story of the woman that had the chance to visit heaven
and hell so she could decide where to go after she died. First
she visits hell and she sees a large beautiful table with lavish
fruits, desserts, wines and cheese and all sorts of other delectable
foods. (I'm not sure who was catering the affair). And all the
people of hell sat at the table but nobody was eating. Because
their arms were tied to sticks of wood so they could not bend
and their hands were bound in front of them. All they could do
was stare at the food but nobody was able to eat anything. And
then the woman went to visit heaven. And she sees a large beautiful
table with lavish fruits, desserts wines and cheeses and all sorts
of other delectable foods. And the people's arms were tied to
sticks of woods so that they could not be bent and their hands
were bound in front of them. And they were all enjoying the delicious
food because they were feeding each other. And this was the difference
between heaven and hell.
And so -each little step can go a long way. Each time we can
generate empathy for another-before judging or blaming, we change
the world. And we continue to strive and hope that we improve
our world just that much more so that we can bequeath it to the
next generation with pride.
Sermons and Divrei Torah
Additional Resources
Elul: Period of Preparation
Yamim Noraim: Days of Awe
Rosh Hashanah: Introduction
Shofar Symbolism
The Custom of Tashlich
Yom Kippur: Introduction
G'mar Chatima Tova...
