|
The decision is yours: if you want your children to marry Jewish, raise them Jewishly. Lessons for Today
When Esau was forty years old, he took to wife Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite; and they were a source of bitterness to Isaac and Rebekah. (Genesis 26:34-35)
Then Isaac sent Jacob off, and he went to Paddam-arm, to Laban the son of Bethuel the Aramean, the brother of Rebekah, mother of Jacob and Esau. When Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob and sent him off to Paddam-aram to take a wife from there, charging him, as he blessed him, "You shall not take a wife from among the Canaanite women," and that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and gone to Paddam-aram, Esau realized that the Canaanite women displeased his father Isaac. So Esau went to Ishmael and took to wife, in addition to the wives he had, Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael, sister of Nebaioth. (Genesis 28:5-9)
|
Nachmanides writes:
...the brother of Rebekah, mother of Jacob and Esau.
Because it stated that Isaac commanded Jacob to get a wife from the daughters of Laban, his mother's brother, Scripture mentions that he was also the brother of Esau's mother. It would have been proper for Isaac to have commanded Esau likewise, but since he knew that the blessing of Abraham would apply only to Jacob and his seed, he did so only to Jacob. Now Scripture further mentions that Esau heard that his father had commanded Jacob not to take a wife from among the daughters of Canaan and that he should go to his mother's brother Laban. He [Esau] heeded his father's will that one not take a wife from among the daughters of Canaan, but he did not act properly and take a wife from the daughters of Laban, despite his [Laban's] being his mother's brother. Scripture further mentions that he took her, besides his former wives, and he did not divorce the other wives, since he followed his heart's desire more than he followed the will of his father.
|
|
Ibn Ezra comments:
A source of bitterness (lit. "a bitterness of spirit"). Each one of Esau's wives was a morat ru'ach - "bitterness of spirit" - to Isaac and Rebekah. Some say that morat - "bitterness" - is similar to the word moreh - "rebellious" - as in, If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son (Deuteronomy 21:18). However, I believe that morat comes from the same root as marah - "bitter" - as in bitter as wormwood (Proverbs 5:4). Indeed, it is explicitly written, and Esau saw that the Canaanite women displeased his father Isaac (Genesis 28:8). The account of Esau's wives was recorded so that the Israelites would keep themselves from taking Canaanite women.
|
These are difficult passages for so many Jews today. There is no way around it. The Torah text is clearly telling us that Jews should marry Jews. Of the many characteristics that separated the brothers Jacob and Esau, of all the favouritism and other dysfunction that seemed to plague the family of Isaac and Rebekah, it was Esau’s choice to marry outside of the tribe that caused his parents the most angst. What do we make of this?
Nachmanides is supporting Isaac’s position, and defending him from charges of favouritism, by demonstrating that it was Esau who courted his father’s anger by failing to follow his will. While the text tells us that Esau’s marriage to the two Hittite women caused bitterness to Isaac and Rebekah, to be fair, they never instructed him otherwise. Rather, it was Isaac who was specifically told to go to his mother’s home village and marry a daughter of Laban, his mother’s brother. Nachmanides suggests that it would seem appropriate that the father give the same suggestion to both sons, however, there is one significant difference: Jacob is the one who will become the patriarch of the people of Israel; the one through whom God’s promise will be fulfilled. While Esau is actually Isaac’s favoured son, it is clear that he does not possess the innate qualities necessary to fulfil God’s promise. Jacob is therefore carefully groomed for his role, while Esau is left to fulfill his own destiny.
So, if Esau was left to his own devices and not given any guidance in the selection of a wife, why were his parents so disturbed by his choices? Nachmanides indicates that when Esau goes on to marry within the tribe, marrying a daughter of Ishmael, a daughter of his father’s brother, just as Jacob married a daughter of his mother’s brother, he did not divorce his Hittite wives first. By remaining married to the local women, he continued the bitterness of his parents.
Ibn Ezra looks at the source of this bitterness. By taking a close look at the language, Ibn Ezra finds that there was nothing about the character of the women themselves that distressed Isaac and Rebekah, but just the fact that they were local women, and not members of the tribe. Contrary to the opinion of some commentators, Ibn Ezra notes that the women were not rebellious or behaved in any way hostile or arrogant towards Isaac and Rebekah, thus justifying their anger or upset (actually, the tradition tells us virtually nothing about Judith and Basemath, good or bad). Rather, he concludes, the Torah presents Isaac and Rebekah’s strong reaction to their son’s choice in wives in order to discourage the future generations of Israel from marrying outside the tribe. This story, he suggests, exists simply to try and prevent intermarriage.
Lessons for Today
I am not going to go into the arguments for or against intermarriage here (if you want more information, simply run the words “Jewish intermarriage” through Google; I came up with 40,000 hits today), although it is abundantly clear that our tradition has always STRONGLY encouraged Jews to marry Jews as a way of safeguarding our people and assuring the perpetuation of our tradition.
There is, however, one important point our commentators make that is timeless and incredibly relevant to our world today: if you want your children to marry Jewish, raise them Jewishly. Tell them how you feel and encourage them to socialize with other Jews. I can’t tell you how many times parents have said to me, “Oh rabbi, I never kept a very observant home and I never pushed my children to date and marry Jews. I have no reason to expect that my children would marry Jews. But now that my son/daughter is engaged to someone who is not Jewish, it is really bothering me. What can I do...?” At that point, nothing. It is too late.
Isaac and Rebekah pinned their hopes on Jacob as the one who would fulfill the family destiny and perpetuate the covenant with God throughout the generations. They realized that, in order to do this, he would need a life partner who shared his values and world-view, and came from a common place. And so, as parents, they steered him in that direction, and literally sent him off to a place where he could meet possible mates with the same kind of background. Clearly, even with such strong parental guidance, it is always something of a gamble, but at least the odds are more in your favour.
But with Esau, Isaac and Rebekah gave no direction. Even when he concluded by himself that he should marry within the family, it was only after he overheard the guidance being given to his brother. Isaac and Rebekah felt bitter over his choices, but, to be fair, they had no one to fault for their bitterness but themselves. As parents, we raise our children with the values that are important to us. It is never easy to parent well, but if we abdicate our role and provide no guidance in areas of importance, then we can’t blame our kids (or their spouses!) for the decisions they make on their own. Our bitterness can only be our own. The decision is yours: if you want your children to marry Jewish, raise them Jewishly.
|
