Parashat Ki Tisa, Exodus 30:11-34:35

How is intimacy established and maintained?

I recently stumbled across an on-line game for babies. It's an internet version of the game "Peekaboo." The baby randomly hits keys and different cartoon animals pop up from behind various drawings on the computer screen. Every now and then an animal will reappear and say that nonsensical term "peekaboo."

Now, I can be enthralled by, and I must admit that I have come close to being addicted to, one or two computer games, but this particular game saddened me. It is not because I am too old to play it. Rather, the importance of Peekaboo is that it takes place in the real world and provides a marvelous contact between the players - usually an adult and an infant. How many other games can boast that they are meant for players aged 0-120?

The Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget would explain that "Peekaboo" is an example of object permanence. That is, an awareness that an object exists even when it is no longer seen. Piaget said that this awareness develops in infants at the age of 8-9 months. A baby looks at a favorite object; when it is hidden from view, the infant becomes upset. Substitute mom for an object and, according to Piaget, you know understand the anxious baby's cry when mom is no longer in sight.
This anxiety is similar to what we find this week in Ki Tisa. Moses has been gone on Mount Sinai for a long time, too long. The people are anxious and ask Aaron to create a golden calf for them. When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, the people gathered against Aaron and said to him, "Come, make us a god who shall go before us, for that man Moses, who brought us from the land of Egypt — we do not know what has happened to him." (Exodus 32:1) Think of it as a security blanket or, better yet, as a teddy bear. The people need the security of seeing, of presence, to enforce their relationship.

They're not the only ones. Moses, so upset that the folks have gone this route has the same problem. After smashing the Ten Commandments, he's back on Mount Sinai to get Ten Commandments, version 2.0. He too has a crisis similar to his people. They needed to see Moses, who in turn needs to see God.

He [Moses] said, "Oh, let me behold Your Presence!" And He answered, "I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim before you the name Lord, and the grace that I grant and the compassion that I show. But," He said, "you cannot see My face, for man may not see Me and live." And the Lord said, "See, there is a place near Me. Station yourself on the rock and, as My Presence passes by, I will put you in a cleft of the rock and shield you with My hand until I have passed by. Then I will take My hand away and you will see My back; but My face must not be seen."

Exodus 33:18-23

Here's a bit of a problem. Presence ensures security. Perhaps one reason the mishkan (tabernacle) is so important is because it symbolizes God's presence in the midst of Israel. Scholars maintain that the Golden Calf was not really an idol but a "footstool" for God. It was the people's symbol for God's presence. Nice try, wrong symbol. A face-to-face encounter establishes a relationship. Moses, who has had closer contact with God than anybody, needs that all-too-human bond. Hey, it ain't easy dealing with an invisible God. Moses needs the intimacy of a face-to-face encounter. The noun panim (face) occurs over a dozen times from Exodus 33:11 to the end of the parashah; the Hebrew term for "finding favor," literally "finding grace in your eyes," also occurs frequently in this section. Ki Tisa is imbued with the desire for intimacy while at the same time raising a question: How is intimacy established and maintained?

Moses has a unique relationship with God: The Lord would speak to Moses face to face (panim el panim), as one man speaks to another. (Exodus 33:11) Yet Moses still wants a close encounter, crying out: Oh, let me behold Your Presence! (Exodus 33:18) and is told … you cannot see My face, for man may not see Me and live. Moses can get so close and no closer. Yet no one would deny that Moses is as intimate with God as is humanly possible. But hold on, how can Moses speak with God face-to-face yet he cannot see God's face? Is this some sort of divine peekaboo?

Panim el panim is not that face-to-face tell-all interview that guarantees ratings during TV sweeps week. Speaking face-to-face implies a profound level of intimacy. (And yes, we read it as a metaphor as we do with all anthropomorphic descriptions of God.) Rambam describes it as direct contact without an intermediary. Nahum Sarna, reminds us that this same phrase is used in Deuteronomy 34:10, but the book of Numbers (12:8) calls this communication mouth to mouth.

The experience is personal and direct, not mediated through visions or dreams, and the message is always plain and straightforward, free of cryptic utterances.

Nahum Sarna, JPS Commentary on Exodus 33:11

The intimacy of panim el panim runs counter to what we learn in secular society where intimacy means that everything is revealed. We still crave that face-to-face encounter, though at times we seem to forfeit other aspects of intimacy. Is it mere coincidence that the biggest social network on the internet is called Facebook, which describes itself as "a social utility that connects you with the people around you"? Interestingly, some Facebook aficionados find out the hard way that not every aspect of their presence need be revealed to all. Who has not heard stories of job-seekers losing a plum position because of that indiscreet photo posted on Facebook? It was there for their buddies but the potential boss just happened to come across it in doing a reference check…

Our challenge today is to acknowledge the limits of panim el panim, the intimate encounter. What makes this an essential element of a relationship is respecting boundaries. Even in the deepest relationship there may be areas that are off-limits. The lesson here is that in a relationship we cannot know, nor do we need to know, everything about the other – be it a friend, a partner, a family member, or God.

Too often we start with the assumption that intimacy is based on knowledge. The more you know about someone the greater the intimacy. It sells papers and boosts ratings. Panim el panim teaches us that true intimacy is a bond derived from the understanding and appreciation of shared experience.

Shabbat shalom,
MS